Welcome to the AISS Counsellors' Corner. Each month we will provide you with informaiton that hopefully will asssit you in your schooling years at AISS. these may be issues on communicaiton, bullying, adolescent issues, study techniques, or perhaps suggestions on discussing topics with your children at home. Please feel free to contact either one of the School Counsellors at any time throughout the year should you have any specific concerns or issues.

April 2008

Effective Communication with Teenagers

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face" - Deep Thoughts by J. Handy

The greatest single thing that any parent can do to improve communication with their adolescent son and daughter is to think about them in a different way. Decide today to stop raising a child, and to start a relationship with a young adult.

The Developmental Psychology of Adolescence
Early Adolescence – There are physical changes and normal anxiety about body shape & growth, sexuality, teasing about appearance, same sex friends. During this stage the adolescent begins the breaking of childhood ties and commences the development of more adult thought processes.

Middle Adolescence – The family focus shifts to a peer focus.  The adolescent identifies with particular forms of music/youth icons. Risk taking behaviours are common as they seek individualisation by spurning adult control & support. During this time caregiver relationships can become most strained and the adolescent benefits from a guide who can help nourish their uniqueness.

Late Adolescence – This is the time of 'facing up' & confronting their identity some may fall into a social abyss. During this time the adolescent seek to define & understand their functional role in life relationships based on mutual respect & affection. Here they need help in associating effort with outcome, and to set clear objectives and plan strategies to achieve what they want.

The keys to ultimate success are:

• Spend time with them
• Keep calm
• Don't talk too much and listen more
• Keep it short - only 2 sentences at a time
• Remind them of what they do well
• Use humour - never sarcasm
• Set very clear boundaries and have both positive and negative consequences
• Only argue over things that matter - let some things go by you
• Avoid confrontations or ultimatums
• Catch them doing something good
• Regularly give them positive feedback
• Help them define the problems and options
• Do not constantly remind them of past mistakes
• Talk while doing something together
• Reduce the number of questions or explain why you are asking them

Conflict

Remember healthy families fight sometimes. Better out than in.

RESOLVE CONFLICTS -Take the relationship from MY WAY/YOUR WAY to OUR WAY through negotiation and compromise. Start the problem solving by listening to and respecting each other's point of view. Conflicts are more easily addressed when both people participate in the solution, instead of one person dominating the decision making process. Aim for a balance of power.

RECIPROCATE -Give equal importance to the feelings, interests, and needs of each person in the relationship. Develop the skill of both giving and receiving emotional support.

ENJOY EACH OTHER! - Let good humour and fun together be a part of your regular schedule.

Use WINK - Wait, I statements, Negotiate and Keep Kool

The secret of great communication with a young person is to use language that does not trigger their inherent sensitivity to control issues.

Rules for Conflict
Pick the right moment for both - cool heads are better
Be conscious of your tone of voice, facial expression and body language
Don't over-react or under-react - (good luck!)
Don't accuse insult or talk down
Focus on present situation and what needs to be done
State your feelings (no whining, skip the martyr routine)
Listen attentively and get the facts
Acknowledge teens feelings, experience and point of view
Don't try to control or win (give, take and negotiate)
Arrive at a solution
Rest up for next encounter

"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.